Do you think that someone paints your mirror?

My knees hurt so badly, I was on my exercise bike for a couple hours. And I didn't load up on the aspirin and advil before hand. Aren't I intelligent? I fucking hate my joints so much, they're always in constant pain. Some days worse than others but it seems whenever I do any form of exercise it just gets so much worse. I really need to buy more vitamins, but alas I'm broke as hell. But hey it's definately near the top of my list when I do get around to going shopping.

Ugh I am so bored.

O JIB

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.

it's taking me ages to type this out so if i have any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors... fuck off. i'm full of tequila and almost went on a rampage yesterday.it was well is my birthdya well it was on the 25th im going to be soon though. it was kind of shit? i have no friends left in town.... or well not many/any i felt lik epartying with. i like drinking alone. and ive been drinking margaritas and my mom gave me the greatets present ever... your never gonna guess what it was?!?!

INCENSE. yeah thats right a pack of fucking incense, it was great.but all sarcasm aside it smells fucking fantastic, very subtle yet still strong but not overpoweringly so. very nice if i do say so myserlf and i was afterlal out, but yeah what a shit gitft a pack of incense and a shitty greeting card thanks mom! glad you really care about your own ly  childs birthday. but my out of town friends made me feel all happy. kristina sent me the sweetest email ever and wished me a happy birthdya like a bajillion times, david made me damn near explode with glee as over msn he ended up wishing me a happy birthdya a bunch of times, dan who i havent spoke to in a while was a sweetie and wished me a hjappy birthday too! it was great i got a bunch of other birthday wishes but it just made me smile you know? oh snap an di just got a facebook mesasge about myu birthday ! yay, im feeling pretty damn special for a kid who drinks alone. i actually like drinkign by myself. i can make yummy drinks, dont have to share, dont make a fool of yourself in fornt of everyone, dont deal with cops, dont deal with annoying drunk people.

I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints and then I smoke two more.

I can't keep living in this dead or dying dream.

I met a guy last night. He is just mind blowing. He's ridiculously attractive but has such a bad inferiority complex I can't even beging to understand it... it actually kind of makes me sad. He doesn't realize what an amazing person he is. He plays piano, he sings, and is an amazing artist. I feel like a giddy little kid when we talk, It's to the point I start to get nervous and overthink everything I'm going to say. I haven't felt this way about anyone in such a long time. We just met but it feels like we've known each other for awhile. I don't get it, I don't know... we just instantly clicked I guess. But of course he has to live in British Columbia and is just passing through. Ugh why is it that almost everyone I care about has to live there? At least they are all in the lower mainland area and that's where I'm off to as soon as possible. One of my best friends Chaz messaged me today, it was great to see a message in my inbox with his name by it. It really brightened my day, I've just felt so melancholy. It was to the point I laid in bed most of the day just because I couldn't face the world. He didn't have much to say aside from 'I Love You' but that was more than enough. I'm kind of missing him, but well I just have to wait till I'm living in BC. Ugh, my three best friends live in BC all the same area, the guy I dig lives there, I have a couple good friends living there. Yet I live in a city full of people I loathe and whom loathe me right back, I live in a city that [literaly] smells like shit, I live in a city that I've hated since child hood. I just feel so dead here, and when I did get out? I was only an hour away yet I felt so... free. So liberated, it was so surreal feeling. Yet I came crawling to my parents with my [metaphorical] tail inbetween my legs and they begrudgingly took me back. I just don't get this, I need out. I feel so much overwhelming despair, and I don't know why. When I think about it... I just feel worse. My life hasn't been ridiculously terrible. My parents didn't beat me, well I guess my mom and I used to get in fist fights alot but they really stopped after adolescence; when I started winning. But it wasn't like it happened everyday, and never went too far as I'd always fight back. My father disowned me I guess, but I really don't care. He was never really there when I was growing up and has always been an asshole whom I've well... to put it bluntly despised. I have lived a life of middle class mediocrity. I was never really bullied growing up, well I suppose I was in the eigth grade but that was so long ago and it didn't even bother me that much then. I keep trying to find a reason behind my misery and I can't which just makes me feel worse, 'cause there is people who have it off so much worse than me. Who have had a lifetime of pain, yet still manage to smile and feel legitimately happy. I mean fuck, it's gotten so bad I started home schooling just because for the last year and a half because I haven't been able to get out of my room and face the world. And when I do go out; what do I do? I buy drugs and self medicate, I go to the odd concert, I destroy public property for shits and giggles. It's not like I'm lonely either... I find solace in my loneliness I like to be by myself, I am afterall an only child and very used to it. When I lived with my roommate I still felt this way. I'm hoping that if I can get my shit together, find a night job, focus on my school work and clothing company, and just get it all worked out. I can make my big move and maybe being around the people I truly care about and truly care about me will help me a bit. Maybe being in a city with concerts and an arts scene will help? If not they at least got alot of drugs there for a cheap price.

close your eyes, the dark outside can't hurt you.

Ugh.

My life is constantly changing, I honestly am just always changing my mind. It seems I'm never satisfied. I am now changing my life plans... again. I am not getting a job until January and working until Spring where I'll be then moving to a new province! And living with one of my best friends. It'll be great he said I could move in with him and I think this move will work out. He is the male version of me, I'll admit. I'm so self contradictory I always go on about how I don't care what others think of me. And to an extent I don't but some of it really gets to me, especially how my family; the people who are supposed to not act like that are just so immature. It's disgusting, they spread rumours, talk shit about you behind your back, nose into your business, pass judgement and just try to control you completely when they need to realize that it isn't any of there damn business. And it's not in some 'we care about you' way. It's in an 'I'm a petty and immature and if you aren't living the way I am it isn't the right way'. And I am glad to be going to live with someone whom I know won't judge me. Won't force their ideologies on me, won't try and change me into something I'm not, not mold me into what they want me to be. But rather give me a hug and then proceed to party the night away and help me forget all the bullshit. The main reason why my last roommate was so difficult to live with was well... she is about five years older than me. And wanted me to be something I'm not. I love her to death and always will. But I like to get all fucked up on drugs, and it just irked me that she would bitch at me for smoking weed all day and wanting to get back into doing mad experimenting; when she'd stumble home from work all wasted at five am every morning. The have the nerve to bitch at me for partying? Say what you want alcohol is still a drug. I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm sick and fucking tired of everyone trying to force me into their cookie cutter mold. I'm obscene, I'm offensive, I'm in your face, I'm a scumbag. Take it or leave it. I am immature, I freak out, when I get angry I don't deal with it rationally. I punch walls, I throw things, I attack who ever happens to be in my path. I mean I usually don't do much damage I'm what? 5'0, 5'1 and weak as hell.  But I just can't help it. I supress everything and when it finally does come out it's a total freak out. I can be a psycho bitch. But that's just who I am. I am immature, I'm hypocritical, I like to party, I like to break the rules. I don't want to do what everyone else is doing. I want to live fast, die young, and leave a pretty corpse. I don't want to plan my entire future and life. Like fuck I'm almost seventeen and she was trying to get me to plan my entire life to minute detail. Well guess what! The two story in suburbia, the white picket fence, and minivan full of kids might be what YOU want. But I don't want that shit, personally I find it revolting. I want to live life in a crazy manner. Afterall lifes like a bottle of whiskey you can nurse it real slow and have a pretty good time, or chug that shit and be put into the depths of insanity!